SOMETIMES I AM AFRAID OF YOU
IF I could understand how you know me -
The real me - that would help
If I could know what you felt like -
The real you
That would help
If I could look at you -
Hold your gaze - for a long time -
With no end in sight - no prescribed end in sight that would help.
I feel fuzzy. I want you to come to me but I am afraid. Last night was very hard.
You seemed very gone and angry. You felt like a stranger to me and that I was a stranger to you I’m not holding up well under your silence. The look of pain in your face.
I am feeling accused.
I need comfort -
If I could touch you -
And feel you there - it would help.
If I could allow myself to feel you there
If you really were there and I could really feel it
That would help
But now - as it is -
I am not here with you.
I am gone in a shroud of grief - right now I am afraid of whoever you might be.
I am afraid of whoever I might be.
Of what I might be doing to you and not knowing what that is.
Sometimes I think that I hurt you by just being myself.
You hurt me by always being hurt.
As If I am her.
I am not her.
You do not know me.
I have no desire to hurt you
We go together - it is better that way.
For now I carry my grief with me.
I will hold it myself. It is better that you are here beside me as a stranger.
I can not pretend to know you.
As a stranger I can accept you.
I will hold my grief in your presence
It is easier that way.
I will not fight with you
That stranger that I fought with was a lie
It was a joke that war
There was nothing to fight about
It was a way to kill time.
A way to stay asleep.
Not be real.
Today we will be apart all day.
I cannot fight with you.
I have no strength.
I have a dream.
To share my dreams. I am glad
I am happy to share my dreams with you.
There is no more