SOMETIMES I AM AFRAID OF YOU

IF I could understand how you know me -

The real me - that would help

If I could know what you felt like -

The real you

That would help

If I could look at you -

Hold your gaze - for a long time -

With no end in sight - no prescribed end in sight that would help.

 

 I feel fuzzy. I want you to come to me but I am afraid. Last night was very hard.

You seemed very gone and angry. You felt like a stranger to me and that I was a stranger to you  I’m not holding up well under your silence. The look of pain in your face.

I am feeling accused.

I need comfort -

If I could touch you -

And feel you there - it would help.

If I could allow myself to feel you there

If you really were there and I could really feel it

That would help

But now - as it is -

I am not here with you.

I am gone in a shroud of grief - right now I am afraid of whoever you might be.

I am afraid of whoever I  might be.

Of what I might be doing to you and not knowing what that is.

 

Sometimes I think that I hurt you by just being myself.

You hurt me by always being hurt. 

As If I am her. 

I am not her.

You do not know me.

 

I have no desire to hurt you

We go together - it is better that way.

For now I carry my grief with me.

I will hold it myself. It is better that you are here beside me as a stranger.

I can not pretend to know you.

As a stranger I can accept you.

I will hold my grief in your presence

It is easier that way.

I will not fight with you

 

That stranger that I fought with was a lie

It was a joke that war

There was nothing to fight about

It was a way to kill time.

A way to stay asleep.

Not be real.

 

Today we will be apart all day.

I cannot fight with you.

I have no strength.

I have a dream.

To share my dreams.  I am glad

I am happy to share my dreams with you.

 

 

 

There is no more